“I’ve never been lonely. I’ve been in a room — I’ve felt suicidal. I’ve been depressed. I’ve felt awful — awful beyond all — but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me…or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I’ve never been bothered with because I’ve always had this terrible itch for solitude. It’s being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. I’ll quote Ibsen, “The strongest men are the most alone.” I’ve never thought, “Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I’ll feel good.” No, that won’t help. You know the typical crowd, “Wow, it’s Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?” Well, yeah. Because there’s nothing out there. It’s stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I’ve never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn’t want to hide in factories. That’s all. Sorry for all the millions, but I’ve never been lonely. I like myself. I’m the best form of entertainment I have. Let’s drink more wine!”
― Charles Bukowski

Today I felt like spending the day at home watching movies. I LOVE watching movies, I literally could do that everyday of my life and never get bored. I would watch every single movie made in the world and even watch my favourites all over again. I think I watched 5 or 6 today – yes, it was a long and boring day – but I left one as the last, because I knew it would have been hard for me to think about anything else after.

Paulo Cohelo is one of my favourite writers. I read his most famous book, The Alchemist, when I was 15 and madly fell in love with him. Everything he wrote was music for my ears, balm for my soul. He was the first, and maybe the most important person that made me get back in contact with myself and my spirituality after everything I’ve been thru. By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept taught me what real love was, Manual of the Warrior of Light gave me support in my darkest moments. But it was only when I was 21 that I held in my hand the book I love the most, and that completely changed my life, Veronika Decides to Die. Veronika was everything I was, everything I would have been. Every word, every feeling, it seemed like he stole my secret diary, or read my mind. It took me months to read it, because every chapter was a challenge, I couldn’t finish it without crying, falling asleep with tears in my eyes, feeling all my emotions overwhelm me and take over, not letting me breathe, or think straight. But I made it thru, I made it thru those pages, and I made it thru my sorrows; and the two things were extremely connected. When I met him, in 2009, he was promoting his latest book, The Winner Stands Alone. But I brought him my old, consumed copy of Veronika Decides to Die, and handed it to him shaking. He smiled, and opened the first page; that’s where, one night, I wrote the quote from the book “In adolescence she thought it was too early to choose, now in youth she was convinced it was too late to change.” He looked at me very deeply, and asked my name. And then he wrote under it “Steph, it’s never too late.” Little did I know, back then, how true was that.

Watching this movie tonight – useless to say, at this point, that is obviously adapted from the book – made me feel, for a couple of hours, like that girl again, the one that thought that it was too late. Some scars might be easy to hide, but they’re still there, and they always will; I would lie saying it’s not hard to look at them even now, that they don’t hurt, that sometimes, in my lonely nights, they don’t make tears blur my sight. Sometimes I fear that, deep inside, I’m still that girl, that’s always been so good at pretending she was okay. I wonder if, after all, I’m still just pretending. Sometimes I do. But I CHANGED. And I have to proud of myself for that. I’m happy now, and I thought I could never be again. I just have to remember this in my low moments, because I’m aware that there will be plenty of them, like there are for everyone. I know this whole post sounds really sad, but that’s really not how I am feeling now, at all. I’m actually very peaceful tonight. Sometimes, I guess, it’s good remembering where you started, to appreciate more where you are.

PS: Billy Talent released a song inspired by the book and I had no idea about it until tonight. I used to LOVE Billy Talent, this song it’s not their best, but I really like the lyrics.

Today is kinda of a lazy day, I don’t really have plans – well, I had some but then things changed – and I think that I’m gonna spend most of my time watching stuff on netflix. I have a feeling I’m gonna have a Universal Monsters’ marathon – Dracula, Frankenstein and The Mummy, here I come!

my family and my sisters, because they’re my strenght and they love me as much as I love them;

my friends, which I’m realizing are more than I thought, and close to my heart even though we’re far from each other; and also for the friends that are not real friends: don’t think I don’t know who you are, or that you just talk to me for what I do, hoping to be included in it. I keep you close so that I can appreciate my true friends even more.

the chance that has been given to me to rebuild a new life, in another city, in another country; I seriously can’t wait to move, furnish my apartment, and live the life I always wanted;

my faith, that helps me everyday to go on in this world;

my job, a job that I built with my own hands, blood and sweat, and no one else’s. I’m proud of the goals I reached so far, and for the ones I’m looking forward to. I would have never imagined I would get this far;

the amazing people I had the chance to work with, people I was looking up to, and that from a nice talk have become amazing friends;

music, that was there when no one else was;

movies, because I’m discovering them again and, as they did in the past, they make me dream and run away from everything. I forgot how much I loved it.

On another side, someone really hurt me today. I’m leaving, ok, it was my choice and I’m not complaining about it, I would take this decision another thousand times. I don’t really want to make a big deal out of it, because it will be worse for me too, dealing with all these separations. But it still remains the fact that I won’t be around for a lot of time. All I needed was to feel special for the person I shared the most important phase of my life with. But probably this isn’t a mutual feeling. How should I react to this? Is it possible that two human beings share something so deep, so intense, so life-changing, and then everything ends with a simple “He’s an asshole”? I always expected to have a quiet relationship after the end of love with someone like this, and now I find out that there’s no difference with people I only shared the bed with. When it’s over, it’s over. To me, it’s not the same…but that’s because I always think a lot about my decisions, and when I come to a conclusion, I have no bad feelings for the other person.

After this, how can I still have hope on create a new relationship with someone?

I found out about this tradition almost a year ago, and I thought it was the most beautiful way to celebrate Halloween and All Saint’s Day. It’s a tradition that has origins in central America, but it’s widely celebrated in the United States and in California, where the Mexican influence is very strong. In Mexican art, legends, and religion, death has not been a mysterious and fearful presence but a realistic recognizable character as much a part of life as life itself. Dia De Los Muertos expresses this perspective: it is not a mournful commemoration but a happy and colorful celebration where Death takes a lively, friendly expression and is not frightening or strange. I find all of this fascinating…one of my biggest fears is death, one of my biggest limits is the fear of losing someone I love. As a Buddhist, I’m trying to pass over that, to learn that nothing is permanent in this world, and that all of us have another life after this. In a weird way, this celebration helps me connect with these concepts a lot. It’s a time to come to terms with our mortality and become aware of the cycle of life and death. Rather than deny and fear death this event teaches us to accept and contemplate the meaning of mortality. How beautiful is that?

After the celebrations of yesterday night, I decided to honor All Saint’s Day praying. I used my carved skull mala, and dedicate my meditation to the ones I lost. And, to finish the day in the best way, I’m dedicating the night to a horror movie marathon.

If you want to know a little bit more about Dia de Los Muertos, you can find more infos here:

Dia De Los Muertos is one of Mexico’s traditional holidays reuniting and honoring beloved ancestors, family and friends. It is an ancient and enduring ritual when the living commune with the dead – a mystical night when the veil is lifted between their two realms and they may share a day together.

The historical roots of this celebration date back to the pre-Hispanic cultures of Meso-America of the indigenous people (Aztecs, Mayans, Toltecas, Tlaxcaltec, Chichimec, Tecpanec). They believed that souls did not die, that they continued living in Mictlán (Place of Death) a special place for them to finally rest. On Dia De Los Muertos, tradition holds that the dead return to earth to visit their living relatives. It is believed that although these relatives can’t see them, they can surely feel them.

This night is an important feast and evocation. It is a time when family members share memorable stories that evoke the lives of their ancestors . Offerings and altars are created to welcome and commemorate the dead. Marigolds and incense are offered in abundance because it is believed their aromatic scents guide the dead to the place where the feast is being held. . A profusion of candles dispels the darkness just as the souls are being illuminated from the shadows of death. Altars are created with photos, mementos, fruit, bread, and other favorite things of the ancestors being welcomed and honored. The artifacts of these altars also provide the opportunity to teach children about those who came before them.

I woke up very late, as yesterday night I stayed up to see the Mindless Self Indulgence announcement. They’re touring in the US next year, which make me really really happy! I had a conversation about this with a person a couple of weeks ago, but either things weren’t confirmed yet, or she wanted to make me a surprise…anyway, what really matters is that is happening!

On another note, today I will be packing a few more things for my move…I always say I’m almost done with it, and then more stuff appears out of nowhere. AND! I will get ready for my Halloween celebration! I will go to a friend’s house before the party, to get my make up done…for the first time in a long time, I won’t be a monster or a serial killer for Halloween…it kinda feels weird, but I’m super excited about my costume. Then we will all go to a party my faboulous friends are organizing…if you ever need help with events/party/wedding planning, check them out HERE, they’re amazing and super professional.

I have to be honest, I already celebrate Halloween a little bit. A couple of weeks ago it was my friend’s birthday, and she wanted us to all go to her party dressed in Halloween costumes. Of course I couldn’t say no! For that, I was dressed as Freddie Krueger.

The other night I was talking with a friend, and I found out that he had no idea on why people get dressed up and what’s the real meaning of Halloween, and that he thinks it’s a stupid tradition. Now, this friend of mine is an active and strong Christian. If he just opened his mind a little, he would see that this celebration derivates from a Christian Holiday. I don’t agree with people that, just because I wasn’t born in a certain country or didn’t grew up with certains trditions, think I shouldn’t make them mine too. I like to think at myself as a very open and multicultural person, and I’m always travelling the world, and reading, and studying, to find the perfect combination of believes and traditions that express myself 100%. Not all of them would be of my original country, of course. At the same time I don’t believe in everything I was taught since I was young. What matters is that, whatever I take as my personal believes, I do it because I truly think they speak for me, because I studied them and know them, I understand their meaning and history, and not because “that’s how it is” or “that’s what I was told”, without asking any more questions. Ignorance is the ruin of the world, coming from someone born and raised in the tradition’s original country or from someone that’s approaching it since a few days.

So, as today it will all be about Halloween, and if you’re going to celebrate, you should read this very very short summary of what’s the history of this celebration. It’s not everything of course, but if you want to know more then you can always google for it. Enjoy this, and then enjoy your Halloween party!

Halloween as it is celebrated these days is but a pale representation of its rich and multicultural history. It is not, as some would call it, a celebration of the Devil or of Hell or of the Damned, but rather a blending of the celebrations marking the end of the growing season, a heralding of the coming of the winter months and folk traditions that told of the day when the veil between the living and the dead, ever a transparent, gossamer veil at that, would lift and ghosts and ghouls would walk among the living. From those many traditions, coming to us from the Celts, the Roman rituals and even Catholic tradition, we get the stirrings of what would eventually become Halloween.

Halloween, or the Hallow E’en as they call it in Ireland , means All Hallows Eve, or the night before the ‘All Hallows’, also called ‘All Hallowmas’, or ‘All Saints’, or ‘All Souls’ Day, observed on November 1. Despite this connection with the Roman Church, the American version of Halloween Day celebration owes its origin to the ancient (pre-Christian) Druidic fire festival called “Samhain”, celebrated by the Celts in Scotland, Wales and Ireland. The festival of Samhain is a celebration of the end of the harvest season in Gaelic culture. Samhain was a time used by the ancient pagans to take stock of supplies and prepare for winter. The ancient Gaels believed that on October 31, the boundaries between the worlds of the living and the dead overlapped and the deceased would come back to life and cause havoc such as sickness or damaged crops. The festival would frequently involve bonfires. It is believed that the fires attracted insects to the area which attracted bats to the area. These are additional attributes of the history of Halloween. Masks and consumes were worn in an attempt to mimic the evil spirits or appease them. The practice of dressing up in costumes and begging door to door for treats on holidays goes back to the Middle Ages, and includes Christmas wassailing. Trick-or-treating resembles the late medieval practice of “souling,” when poor folk would go door to door on Hallowmas (November 1), receiving food in return for prayers for the dead on All Souls Day (November 2). It originated in Ireland and Britain, although similar practices for the souls of the dead were found as far south as Italy. Shakespeare mentions the practice in his comedy The Two Gentlemen of Verona (1593), when Speed accuses his master of “puling [whimpering, whining], like a beggar at Hallowmas.”