Today is the day where I miss YOU.

“We are the girls with anxiety disorders, filled appointment books, five-year plans. We take ourselves very, very seriously. We are the peacemakers, the do-gooders, the givers, the savers. We are on time, overly prepared, well read, and witty, intellectually curious, always moving… We pride ourselves on getting as little sleep as possible and thrive on self-deprivation. We drink coffee, a lot of it. We are on birth control, Prozac, and multivitamins… We are relentless, judgmental with ourselves, and forgiving to others. We never want to be as passive-aggressive are our mothers, never want to marry men as uninspired as our fathers… We are the daughters of the feminists who said, “You can be anything,” and we heard, “You have to be everything.” – Courtney Martin

Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

“I’ve never been lonely. I’ve been in a room — I’ve felt suicidal. I’ve been depressed. I’ve felt awful — awful beyond all — but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me…or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I’ve never been bothered with because I’ve always had this terrible itch for solitude. It’s being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. I’ll quote Ibsen, “The strongest men are the most alone.” I’ve never thought, “Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I’ll feel good.” No, that won’t help. You know the typical crowd, “Wow, it’s Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?” Well, yeah. Because there’s nothing out there. It’s stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I’ve never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn’t want to hide in factories. That’s all. Sorry for all the millions, but I’ve never been lonely. I like myself. I’m the best form of entertainment I have. Let’s drink more wine!”
― Charles Bukowski

Today I felt like spending the day at home watching movies. I LOVE watching movies, I literally could do that everyday of my life and never get bored. I would watch every single movie made in the world and even watch my favourites all over again. I think I watched 5 or 6 today – yes, it was a long and boring day – but I left one as the last, because I knew it would have been hard for me to think about anything else after.

Paulo Cohelo is one of my favourite writers. I read his most famous book, The Alchemist, when I was 15 and madly fell in love with him. Everything he wrote was music for my ears, balm for my soul. He was the first, and maybe the most important person that made me get back in contact with myself and my spirituality after everything I’ve been thru. By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept taught me what real love was, Manual of the Warrior of Light gave me support in my darkest moments. But it was only when I was 21 that I held in my hand the book I love the most, and that completely changed my life, Veronika Decides to Die. Veronika was everything I was, everything I would have been. Every word, every feeling, it seemed like he stole my secret diary, or read my mind. It took me months to read it, because every chapter was a challenge, I couldn’t finish it without crying, falling asleep with tears in my eyes, feeling all my emotions overwhelm me and take over, not letting me breathe, or think straight. But I made it thru, I made it thru those pages, and I made it thru my sorrows; and the two things were extremely connected. When I met him, in 2009, he was promoting his latest book, The Winner Stands Alone. But I brought him my old, consumed copy of Veronika Decides to Die, and handed it to him shaking. He smiled, and opened the first page; that’s where, one night, I wrote the quote from the book “In adolescence she thought it was too early to choose, now in youth she was convinced it was too late to change.” He looked at me very deeply, and asked my name. And then he wrote under it “Steph, it’s never too late.” Little did I know, back then, how true was that.

Watching this movie tonight – useless to say, at this point, that is obviously adapted from the book – made me feel, for a couple of hours, like that girl again, the one that thought that it was too late. Some scars might be easy to hide, but they’re still there, and they always will; I would lie saying it’s not hard to look at them even now, that they don’t hurt, that sometimes, in my lonely nights, they don’t make tears blur my sight. Sometimes I fear that, deep inside, I’m still that girl, that’s always been so good at pretending she was okay. I wonder if, after all, I’m still just pretending. Sometimes I do. But I CHANGED. And I have to proud of myself for that. I’m happy now, and I thought I could never be again. I just have to remember this in my low moments, because I’m aware that there will be plenty of them, like there are for everyone. I know this whole post sounds really sad, but that’s really not how I am feeling now, at all. I’m actually very peaceful tonight. Sometimes, I guess, it’s good remembering where you started, to appreciate more where you are.

PS: Billy Talent released a song inspired by the book and I had no idea about it until tonight. I used to LOVE Billy Talent, this song it’s not their best, but I really like the lyrics.

Today is kinda of a lazy day, I don’t really have plans – well, I had some but then things changed – and I think that I’m gonna spend most of my time watching stuff on netflix. I have a feeling I’m gonna have a Universal Monsters’ marathon – Dracula, Frankenstein and The Mummy, here I come!

my family and my sisters, because they’re my strenght and they love me as much as I love them;

my friends, which I’m realizing are more than I thought, and close to my heart even though we’re far from each other; and also for the friends that are not real friends: don’t think I don’t know who you are, or that you just talk to me for what I do, hoping to be included in it. I keep you close so that I can appreciate my true friends even more.

the chance that has been given to me to rebuild a new life, in another city, in another country; I seriously can’t wait to move, furnish my apartment, and live the life I always wanted;

my faith, that helps me everyday to go on in this world;

my job, a job that I built with my own hands, blood and sweat, and no one else’s. I’m proud of the goals I reached so far, and for the ones I’m looking forward to. I would have never imagined I would get this far;

the amazing people I had the chance to work with, people I was looking up to, and that from a nice talk have become amazing friends;

music, that was there when no one else was;

movies, because I’m discovering them again and, as they did in the past, they make me dream and run away from everything. I forgot how much I loved it.