Today I felt like spending the day at home watching movies. I LOVE watching movies, I literally could do that everyday of my life and never get bored. I would watch every single movie made in the world and even watch my favourites all over again. I think I watched 5 or 6 today – yes, it was a long and boring day – but I left one as the last, because I knew it would have been hard for me to think about anything else after.
Paulo Cohelo is one of my favourite writers. I read his most famous book, The Alchemist, when I was 15 and madly fell in love with him. Everything he wrote was music for my ears, balm for my soul. He was the first, and maybe the most important person that made me get back in contact with myself and my spirituality after everything I’ve been thru. By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept taught me what real love was, Manual of the Warrior of Light gave me support in my darkest moments. But it was only when I was 21 that I held in my hand the book I love the most, and that completely changed my life, Veronika Decides to Die. Veronika was everything I was, everything I would have been. Every word, every feeling, it seemed like he stole my secret diary, or read my mind. It took me months to read it, because every chapter was a challenge, I couldn’t finish it without crying, falling asleep with tears in my eyes, feeling all my emotions overwhelm me and take over, not letting me breathe, or think straight. But I made it thru, I made it thru those pages, and I made it thru my sorrows; and the two things were extremely connected. When I met him, in 2009, he was promoting his latest book, The Winner Stands Alone. But I brought him my old, consumed copy of Veronika Decides to Die, and handed it to him shaking. He smiled, and opened the first page; that’s where, one night, I wrote the quote from the book “In adolescence she thought it was too early to choose, now in youth she was convinced it was too late to change.” He looked at me very deeply, and asked my name. And then he wrote under it “Steph, it’s never too late.” Little did I know, back then, how true was that.
Watching this movie tonight – useless to say, at this point, that is obviously adapted from the book – made me feel, for a couple of hours, like that girl again, the one that thought that it was too late. Some scars might be easy to hide, but they’re still there, and they always will; I would lie saying it’s not hard to look at them even now, that they don’t hurt, that sometimes, in my lonely nights, they don’t make tears blur my sight. Sometimes I fear that, deep inside, I’m still that girl, that’s always been so good at pretending she was okay. I wonder if, after all, I’m still just pretending. Sometimes I do. But I CHANGED. And I have to proud of myself for that. I’m happy now, and I thought I could never be again. I just have to remember this in my low moments, because I’m aware that there will be plenty of them, like there are for everyone. I know this whole post sounds really sad, but that’s really not how I am feeling now, at all. I’m actually very peaceful tonight. Sometimes, I guess, it’s good remembering where you started, to appreciate more where you are.
PS: Billy Talent released a song inspired by the book and I had no idea about it until tonight. I used to LOVE Billy Talent, this song it’s not their best, but I really like the lyrics.
